Anxiety-Optimistic



Nervousness-Pessimistic

I am anxious about something... not sure what...

too blessed.....

I think I figured out why I do not have a checklist.

 

 

I have been peering at some of my friends checklists and things they contain would not appear on my list if I had one as they are basic human qualities as I have been brought up to know.

They are items that I pray my children would learn and exercise too . I have been blessed to have those qualities around me since I was a child and they are not things I would put on a list to tick against.

 

 

Many books and what we have learnt over time says the role of the man in a family is to be a protector, provider, vision carrier, friend to the woman and children. I have been so blessed that I have grown up surrounded by all those from the men in my life.

 

 

My father is a super strict man, when we were kids, he would drive in and all of us, even our neighbours children would take off to their houses for we would be definitely be beaten for all the wrong things we had done but we did not fear him. My friends say their father would walk in and they would all leave the family room and go to the bedrooms but for us we only left when a visitor came in and we needed to give them space , the rest of the time we all sat there, my sister or I would cook dinner,  mom would serve it and we’d all sit and eat, watch news, make idle chat until bed time. We also used to fight alot; someone wasn’t performing too well in school, my brother had probably gotten into a fight earlier in the day with other boys, complaints of being sent to fetch this and that too much, someone moved another person’s item inconveniencing them..bla bla.  Funny, when a guest came in, he would find us talking loudly, everyone wanted their point to be heard, and my father would make an excuse saying we were just a noisy bunch. We have had a friendly set up to this day, when we all end up at home, we make all the noise in the world. Now I go home and sit and chat for long with my dad about lots of stuff, fuss all over him when he’s not being healthy and I really admire and respect him a lot .

My brothers have fought other people to protect us. When we were kids, small boys wouldn’t beat me up because my brother had taken it up as his role, he would beat me up, I would tell on him, he would be beaten up again and would threaten me, I would tell on him, he would ask me to do something, I would refuse and he would beat me up and it was a cycle. I grew even more stubborn and defiant and he beat me up even more but no one external of nuclear family would beat me up at all, he would fight and beat up them up for me...ridiculous!

One day I got into a matatu, we had fought before we left the house and we all went separate ways but ended up in the same public vehicle somehow. Where I was seated, a drunk young man started talking to me and he was quit irritating and I shrugged him off. I hadn’t seen my brother and he hadn’t seen me either. It happened that he was sitting next to some boys who I were in my class and they were talking about that girl who was in their class who had just gotten into the matatu and he looked up and saw it was me. Back to my seat mate, he continued talking to me and me ignoring him, this went on for a while. At some point someone from behind asked the driver to stop the matatu, it was past a stage so the driver pulled up fast thinking someone had missed their stop. My brother got off the matatu, took a hold of my seatmate and beat him up thoroughly. All this time, I hadn’t seen my brother so was shocked to see him and relieved at the same time. No one in the matatu could understand what was going on. The driver came to stop the fight and find out what could have been going on. My brothers jacket fell off, he picked it, shrugged off the dust once and gave it to me..that’s when the passenger realised there was a connection between me and him. The conductor who had been there all along realised what had been going on and told the story. All the passengers applauded my brother and we continued with the journey.

I hang out with my older brother a lot with his friends till late into the night but he would ensure that he took me home. When he couldn’t, he found someone who would take me to the doorstep and wait until my parents let me in. He would ensure I was fed, probably over fed before he was ok I was fine. If I looked cold, he gave me his jacket to wear and keep warm (he still does that to date). If I looked uncomfortable, he would find an excuse to make us leave the place. My other brother also drops me at my door step and drives off when he’s sure am safe. My brothers pay my entertainment bills all the time and when broke will take a loan from me to pay for the bills and promise to pay back later...can’t remember if the pay back or not J

In turn, I think my brother has ‘2’ wives...me being the ‘second’, when his wife is away, I have to entertain his guests, will probably go with him to a lot of  things, I have been to his in-laws house more than anyone else in my family. When he is away, I manage his accounts, anyone who needs something from him will more often than not ask me to ask him (even my parents). I have had to pack his bags when he’s travelling and I do grumble a lot when doing these things, but I really do not have much of a choice. I am glad he is married!  My other brother will make me accompany him to events, make me go visiting with him, drag me around as much as he can. He got admitted once in hospital and I had to sit in that hospital for long, chatting, getting worried and taking care of him as much as I could. I had to sleep at my friend’s house who lived near the hospital and I had a job interview the following day so had to borrow a whole outfit, I got the job J, I can’t wait for him to get married!

I’ve run out of stories about these amazing guys in my life. I am blessed!

Now I do not have a list because I have already experienced lots of those things I would want on my list. I am ‘complete’ so to speak.  I do hope to meet a ‘complete’ guy too, who’s not expecting me to fill a void, or be something he has always hoped for.  I hope it will be a great companionship with synergy and not filled with unmet expectations. I do hope I can have the wonderful qualities in my family and his family  carried forward to our children and children’s children.